iLost My Mind my speculation
by Poetic.blue
Summary: My speculation and hope for what will happen in iLMM. Seddie. :  RR


**Hey, everybody.**

'**What? K is back? And doing another iCarly fanfiction at that? Have we gone mad?'**

'**what happened to iMove On? Why is K doing this when she should be working on that?'**

**OK, OK, settle down now. Yes I'm kind of back from my 6 month hiatus. Sort of. I'm writing my own bversions of the next few episodes, and a few other fics for other shows. When those are done, or at least going very well, I'll get back to iMove on, I promise. Hopefully that will happen by the end of July.**

**Anyway, this is my version of the next episode iLost My Mind, premiering sometime in August. The 18****th**** would be great, happy birthday to me.**

**Disclaimer: I'm too lazy to come up with some creative way to say I don't own iCarly. Which I don't. : ) **

"Sorry." I said lamely. What did I do? _What did I DO_?

"I-it's cool." He said, a tiny smile playing at his lips. He stared past me, obviously trying to process what had happened.

I took a couple of steps backward and sat back down, not taking my eyes off him.

"Well?" I said.

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to say something?"

"I-I- Sam, I don't know what to say." We were both silent for a moment, him trying to wrap his head around what happened, me trying to turn back time, back to when things were simpler. Suddenly his face lit up. "Oh my God!"

"What?" I said, quickly jumping up. This was it. The moment of truth.

"The app works! I did it! I created a piece of technology that accurately reads people's emotions and moods! This is-" I lost it. I slapped him, hard. "Ow!" he put a hand to his check. "What was that for?"

"You stand there and tell me to follow my heart, and to take a chance with my feelings, so I do. I kiss you, and what do you say? 'Oh, my app works!' Are you kidding me? See, this is why I don't put my feelings out there. I always get hurt." I yelled.

"Sam, it's just… a lot for me, ok? I've never consciously thought of you as a girlfriend."

"Oh, that's what every girl wants to hear. She's not girlfriend material." I said sarcastically.

"That's not what I meant and you know it. I meant… I don't know what I meant."

"Well when you figure it out, you let me know." I spat. "I'm outta here."

"Sam, wait." He said, grabbing my arm and spinning me around. "You can't just stomp off. We have to talk about this."

"Talk to yourself, Benson, I've got places to be." I growled, yanking my arm back.

"It's midnight." He stood in front of the door leading to the classroom, blocking my way in. "And we have to talk about this."

"Wanna bet?" With that I turned, and with a low battle cry, leapt at the wall, launching myself to the top. "You underestimate me, Benson." I said, and slid down the other side. As soon as my feet hit the ground, I was running. I wasn't sure where I was going, I just needed to be away from Freddie. I kept running, until I found myself at home. I tried to be as quiet as I could as I snuck in through my window, but it was for nothing.

My mom was sitting on my bed, arms folded. "What are you doing here?" she practically snapped.

"It's _my _room." I said, sitting in my desk chair.

"You're supposed to be at school."

"It's almost one in the morning."

"Want to tell me why you're home?"

"Want to tell me why you're in my room?"

"Carly called." She said, her voice softer now. "She was freaking out almost as bad as when we were in the therapy box. All I could really understand was 'Sam, Freddie, wall, oh my god.' I figured you'd be coming home. Where else would you go at midnight, besides Carly's but obviously she's at the school." She chuckled. "And you think I don't pay attention."

"Can you please leave so I can go to bed? It's been a long night." I said. All the way home I had been fueled by anger but now that I was , I just wanted to…cry, and I hated it.

"You-You wanna talk about it?" My mom asked awkwardly. I just stared at her. "What? The therapist said we should talk more, and be interested in each other's lives. I just thought maybe you're wanna…do that…"

We were both silent, staring at my carpet. "Mom, can I ask you something?"

"Depends on what it is."

"What do you…" I couldn't believe I was asking her this. "What do you think of…Freddie?"

"The nerd kid?" she sounded confused.

I smiled. "Yeah, him.

"I think he's a nice kid. Smart. Doesn't back down with you, gives you a challenge. And I ain't gonna lie, he's not bad to look at either."

"Mom!" why did she say things like that?

"Well it's true!" We were silent for another moment. "Why do you want to know what I think of him?"

"I don't know. I guess…I was just wondering."

"Why? You don't…_like him_ do you?"

"I don't know." I said again, flopping back on the bed." I kissed him tonight." I said suddenly, surprising even myself.

"You_ kissed _him? Are you _nuts?"_

"Probably."

"Yeah!" she agreed. "One day you hate his guts, the next you're kissing him at school!"

"I'm not even sure why I did it. Him and Carly kept trying to make me admit that I liked Brad, and he was telling me to take a chance, follow my heart, and then I just kissed him. I have no idea what I was thinking." I sighed. Why did life have to be so confusing? Why couldn't things just stay the same, like they were when we were kids?

"I can't believe you went crazy!" she said. "I raised a crazy person!"

"Do you really think I am?" she stared at me blankly. "Crazy, I mean."

"Yeah, I'd say so." She stood up. "You've lost your mind, simple as that." She walked out, throwing a casual "sleep good." Over her shoulder.

I rolled over onto my stomach, not bothering to even change into pajamas. I stayed awake that night, until maybe four in the morning, just thinking. Trying to figure out what I was ever going to say to Freddie the next time I saw him. Even what I was going to tell Carly. I saw her spying through the window when I pulled away from Freddie. I wondered what she would say. Would she freak like she did when she found out Freddie and I had kissed? Would she be happy? Would she think I was nuts?

_Was _I nuts? I was supposed to hate him, not be in love with him. I wasn't supposed to care about him, at all. I thought about running away. Just leave my whole life, and all the feelings I wasn't supposed to have, behind. Then I remembered my parole officer, and realized I couldn't leave without their permission, and they would task my mom, who would make me stay if only to see me so vulnerable. And I had to ask, unless I wanted to be arrested. Again.

But still. That didn't mean I could face anyone for a while. So what was I going to do? I yanked a pillow over my head, trying to figure everything out. I was going to drive myself even crazier-wait! That gave me an idea.

I pulled my silenced pear phone out of my pants pocket, tapping ignore on every text message and phone call- over a dozen of each- until I was able to open my web browser. I took a deep breath and typed in the phrase 'psychiatric hospitals in Seattle'. I sifted through the results for almost an hour, before finally finding a place that looked promising. "Troubled Waters." I whispered aloud to myself. "I shall see you first thing tomorrow morning."

The next morning, I left a note telling my mom what I was doing, not that I thought she would come looking for me, but just in case. I followed the directions on my phone, checking myself in, with a little trouble. The woman behind the desk looked at me strangely, and asked why I was there. I explained that I was pretty sure I was crazy, since I had fallen for someone I had hated my whole life, and I wanted to be cured of these feelings. She tried to tell me I didn't need to be there, but I ignored her and walked on up anyway. She finally gave in and shouted a room assignment to me, second floor, room 39.

After I had thrown my bag on the bed, I went in search of a cafeteria. Along the way, I asked a tall guy who told me he could tell me where it would be in the future. I called him a freak, and left him standing in the hallway. Eventually, I found the cafeteria, which, I was ecstatic to learn, had a vending machine that offered Fat Cakes. "Yes!" I shouted, pumping my fist. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy, which is saying something, considering where I was.

For the next few days, I explored the hospital, getting into more than one screaming match. Most of the time I wasn't exploring I spent in the cafeteria, silently eating fat cakes and watching. No, observing was more like it. I watched how people acted, what they did. Listened to what people said- and how they said it. Most people were polite to each other, not getting into many in depth conversations. The ones that did though, wow. I really understood why they were in a mental place. On my fourth day at Troubled Waters, I heard the word 'iCarly' slip from someone's mouth, and I was immediately listening intently, stopping mid-chew.

"…woman visits me every week. She says she's my sister, but I still don't believe her. A few weeks ago, she started showing me this show on the internet-, which I'm sure is just a way for the government to watch us- with these two girls who just do silly things. But this week the blonde girl, Sam, wasn't on. She was the funniest one on the show, so I think the government came and took her away, probably to make a copy of her that they can substitute into her life, which, since she's kind of famous, is when they'll get the copy to start controlling us."

"I've heard of that! But I don't think it's the government. I think it's people _against _government, people who want to destroy the country, and then the world. The girl was probably kidnapped by the government so they can stop the resistance."

I rolled my eyes. It really was a nuthouse here. It took every ounce of self-control not to go over to the women and show them I hadn't been kidnapped. Instead, I decided to go back to my room and check out the iCarly site. I had to wonder what they were saying to explain my absence. It crossed my mind that they didn't even know where I was, then remembered the note I'd left for my mom. I was sure they'd gone looking for me at the house when I hadn't shown up for any rehearsal, and then I missed the show itself. I sighed. It was the second show I'd ever missed, not counting when Carly and I had been fighting, or when Missy gave me the old chocolates-which, despite what they did to me, were delicious.

I clicked the 'iNews' tab slowly, holding my breath. I was greeted with a brand new video titled 'what is going on?' I clicked again, and the video started.

"Hey everybody." Carly said nervously, although she had a smile plastered on her face. "If you're watching this, you're probably trying to figure out what's going on, and why Sam wasn't on the last webcast. Well, she's unavailable right now. I…uh.. don't know where she is," I heard the lie in her voice, and I knew she knew I was at Troubled Waters " but I'm sure she'll come back. Soon, hopefully." She smiled again, but still seemed unsure. "Umm, the shows will continue, but instead of an hour will only be 30 minutes. It's hard to do the sketches when you're missing one of the stars." She laughed nervously. "So, I guess that's it."

"Wait, there's one more thing." I heard his voice, and my hand that had been tapping nervously on the bed froze.

"What are you…?" Carly started as the camera shook, settling onto what must have been Freddie's cart.

"I have something to say." He said, coming into view. "Sam." He said as I just stared at the screen. "Please come back. I know you're watching this, because I know you. The show isn't the same without you. I'm sorry for how I reacted, it was just-. Just please come back. If you're not back by Wednesday, I'm gonna go and bring you back myself." He smiled in spite of the message he was giving. "Don't underestimate me, because I will." He turned to Carly. "OK, now I guess that's it."

"Umm..ok." she waved uncomfortably. "Bye everybody." She said, and the screen went dark. I just kept staring, trying to comprehend what I had just seen A few minutes went by before I was pulled out of my thoughts by a knock at the door. As if in a trance, I slowly opened the door, and there stood Carly Shay. If I had been in a trance, seeing her snapped me right out of it.

"Hey Sam." She said, stepping into the room. She glanced around, her eyes stopping on the 'art cart' as the hospital people called it, and the scribbles on the wall. "This is…nice." She said, forcing a smile. "Why did you write on the wall?" she asked, nodding toward the scribbles.

"I… I didn't. They were there when I got here." I said slowly, shrugging.

"Oh." We were quiet as Carly surveyed the room some more. "I know Freddie said he'd come find you, but I figured it would be better if I came, at least at first."

"First?"

"He's in the cafeteria, along with Spencer and Gibby." I opened my mouth to complain, but she quickly said "Spencer had to drive us and Gibby said he was already coming to visit his dad. Don't ask. I now know why Gibby is the way Gibby is." She shivered. I smiled for maybe the first time since I got here. "So…"

""What?"

"So do you wanna talk about what I happened? I saw, you know. I saw you kiss Freddie."

I stood up fast, grabbing her by the arm "don't say that so loud! Somebody could hear you!" I whispered fiercely.

"Ok." She giggled. "I won't talk about how you guys kissed. So why don't you? Was the app right? Are you in love? With Freddie?"

"No!" I said automatically.

"Sam, the app _said_…"

"I don't care what the stupid app said. I'm not in love! I don't fall in love."

"Well… if you don't _love _him, do you like him?" she asked, a smile on her face.

I didn't say anything. I was starting to realize that things were changing. We were all growing up. The way things used to be was lost. I wasn't sure if I had thrown it away on Friday, or if I had just been the last to let go. The kid in me had finally given up the denial it had fought so hard to keep going in the rest of me. That kid had seen it was time to grow up and just gave in to what I knew deep down I wanted. Freddie. That's why I kissed him. That kid let go, and all the feelings it had been refusing me came in all at once, overwhelming me, and I snapped. But the snap hadn't broken me. In fact, it had made me grow up, seize sanity.

While I was having my epiphany, Carly was walking around the bed, examining the 'art cart'. I stood up, taking a deep breath. "Yeah. Kinda. Maybe a little bit." I swallowed as she just stared at me.

"So you admit you have feelings for him?"

"I guess so, yeah."

Her face broke out into a giant grin. "SAM LOVES FREDDIE! SAM LOVES FR-" I grabbed her, shoving a hand over her mouth.

"Shut up!" I hissed "Shut up! Somebody's going to hear you!"

"But you _do!_" she said joyously, trying to break free of my grasp, failing completely.

"And? That doesn't mean you have to shout it to the whole floor!" I said. "Now do you promise not to shout about it again?" she nodded, and I let her go, lying back on the bed.

"I'm sorry." She said lying next to me. "It's just that you're finally admitting it, and I'm happy for you."

"Well…thanks. But when you think about how I've treated him, it doesn't seem like me admitting it is going to make anything happen, you know? Besides, wasn't just a few months ago he was offering to rub your feet? Or he called you beautiful when you were going on the date with… that one dude?"

"Sam, all that may be true, but that was when you were right there by his side. He's been falling apart these last few days. I don't know if you saw the last show, but there were dozens of technical mistakes, he didn't laugh once, and he kept zoning out. I had to keep acting like I saw you in order to get his attention again." She said seriously.

"Really?"

"Really. He misses you." She stood up, giving me yet another smile. "I'm gonna go back to the cafeteria. Freddie'll probably be here in about two minutes, assuming he's not already on his way." Carly said practically running out the door, and I could see her trying to hide her smile.

I sat for a minute, one thought running through my head. _Freddie missed me._ I suddenly realized how stupid and girly I was being, and I groaned. I hated what he was doing to me, but I could no longer help it. When the kid in me had given in, I lost all control.

A knock on the open door interrupted my thoughts. "Yo."

I sprang up, immediately trying to pretend I hadn't just been thinking about him. "Wha-what do you want?"

"Just came to say hi." Freddie closed the door and took a step toward me. "Hi."

"Hi." I said, suddenly noticing the large plate he held. "What's that?" I nodded toward the plate.

"Brought you a quesadilla." He offered the plate. I took it, but set in on the bed.

"Is that all?" I crossed my arms. He was quiet, and I kept glancing at the quesadilla. I could see him fighting a smile, and I tried not to laugh, letting my arms fall back to my sides.

"Go ahead." He said with a small chuckle. "I brought it for you to eat. I figured an offering of food would get you to talk." He stepped forward, almost cornering me against the dresser.. "So will you?"

Our eyes locked for a moment, before I half launched myself across the bed, carefully grabbing the plate in the process. I managed to tear a corner off before he walked around the bed. " Sam, can we talk about the kiss?"

I froze. "What's there to talk about?" I said after a minute. "I…don't hate you, but you hate me. I ruined the weird friendship we had, and nothing's ever going to be the same. I took a shot, and would give anything to take it back." I shrugged, taking a small bite of the food. " That's pretty much it, right? Anything to add?" he was quiet again. "Yeah, I figured."

He sank down next to me on the bed. "I never said I hated you either." He said quietly, staring down at his clasped hands.

"Are you kidding? Yes, you have. After-"

"Sam, listen to me." he turned his head toward me. "I don't hate you. We're too close for me to really hate you. It's just a shock is all. I never thought of you as being someone I couldn't hate. Whether that's because I just didn't, or because some part of me wouldn't allow it because I thought you'd beat me to a pulp. Like somehow you'd _know _if I thought of you as anything but a demon that I'm supposed to hate." He started to twiddle his thumbs. "But in all honesty, I can't _stop _thinking about it. Not seeing you has driven me crazy. Not having you insulting me every five minutes, or being drawn into your half thought out, typically illegal plans, and it's barely been four days!" he smiled. "I keep thinking about the side you bring out in me; how you make my life…well… _fun..." _

"Dude, if this has a point, make it. Soon. My quesadilla's almost gone." I grinned. I had a feeling I knew where he was going, even dared to hope I was right.

He chuckled. "Sorry, four days and I forget how impatient you are. _Anyway, _the more I think about it, the more I realize I've been hiding from my feelings just as much as you were. I guess what I'm trying to say is… I… '_don't hate' _you too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Umm..ok…" I sighed, realizing something.

"What's the matter?"

"Freddie, no matter what we've admitted, it doesn't change who we are. We fight _all the time. _We've spent years messing with each other, insulting each other. We're so different. I can't help but call you names, it's part of who I am. If we tried to be… anything more than who we already are, chances are we'd mess it up with a stupid comment."

"Yeah, maybe. You're completely right about who we are. And I'm not suggesting we try to change ourselves. But maybe we're just crazy enough to work. I'm willing to give us a try. Are you?"

"I am, but what if it doesn't work? What do we do then?"

That silenced him for a minute. "Well… how about this? We promise to try to make this work, but if it doesn't, we go back to being best friends who hate each other. We pretend it didn't happen."

I thought about it. It would be hard to do, but maybe it wouldn't come to that. "I… guess it could work." _I hope, _I added in my head.


End file.
